Mike

Mike is my boyfriend of a little over 3 months. We started talking online about 4 months ago. He WAS really good friends with my older sister Jenn. We went to the same high school back in the day and I had a HUGE crush on him. He's been helping me with my "issues". So far he has been VERY understanding. He's know more about me than my best friends of 10+ years. Most of the time, I come to him with what Ive been feeling and helps me figure out why I feel that way, usually without getting mad.

A few weeks ago I came to him and told him that for the past 4 years I have been calling one of my ex's every so often just to "catch up." Not really getting anything out of it and I don't why I did it. Mind you this ex and I were together for almost 3 years and it was nothing but hell. Cheating on each other left and right. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Anyway, Mike just listened to me talk about the situation and suggested that maybe I was calling my ex to tell him how great I was doing and how happy I was without him. That found someone better. Mike also said he was a big part of my life and thats probably another reason why I called him.

A few days go by and I get the bright idea to call my ex one last time to tell him my recent realization. This is what I said. (not word for word but a summarization) "Hey, its me. I was talking to Mike the other day about why I call every few months just to talk. He helped me realize that this whole time I was trying to show that I don't need you and in fact I'm doing fucking awesome without you in my life. But I have to admit I will always love you and care about you. I hope you and Alaina (his girlfriend) have a wonderful life together with your daughter and I wish you the best."

Well, my ex just happens to live right across the street from our friends Jessie and Hunter. Frank (my ex) knows them and hangs out with them once in awhile for a beer or two. Anyway, Frank, Jessie and Hunter get on the subject of me somehow (the rest is a mix of what Ive been TOLD happened and some of what I GUESS happened) and Frank got the fucking idea to let them hear a PIECE of the message I left him. Cause if they had heard the whole thing they wouldn't be so disappointed in me. Maybe a little for calling him in the first place but not as much as right now. So they tell Mike what they heard. He FLIPS! All he does is send me a text saying "well we need to have a long talk later". So of course my stomach locks up and I wonder what it's about. Did he meet someone? Did he do more than just meet someone? Did he realize he didn't miss me? All these questions are going through my head

I FINALLY get him on the phone after text arguing (his idea) and tell my side. All he's doing is putting me down and pointing out the obvious. I'm crying and begging him to REALLY listen to me. That I'm sorry. I had good intentions and that I love him with all my heart. We both promised each other we would do anything to make this relationship work when I moved. (That's a story for another post) So, in the past few days I've only talked him a handful of times and gotten a few texts. My chest literally hurts, my stomach is in knots, I'm trying to enjoy spending time with my son (He's almost 2) that I haven't seen in 4 months, and I cant sleep and I have no appetite. It's like he's punishing me... If he only knew the pain he's inflicting....

Anyway, thats the big thing thats going on right now...I'm sure something else will come up cause I'm never good enough for anyone. I try to do something to help my self-esteem and give me closure and all I get is people mad at me and ignoring me. Sometimes I just want to say "FUCK IT!" But then I think about all the times Mike would hold me and play with my hair. The look of pride when we went somewhere together. He wasn't afraid to show me affection in public and I loved every minute of it. The way he made me feel when our eyes met. Its like the love you see in movies. I'm not losing that...