Progress

Last night was going fine. I put my son to sleep, I took a shower and Mike and I were going to talk when he got home from his friend Josh's house. Mike was drinking and asked me to take some pictures to send to him. He told me his phone was dying and to send them to his email. So I did. Then I didn't hear from him. I stayed up for hours trying to get a hold of him. I knew he got my texts cause I sent them through AIM. I knew his phone wasn't dead cause it was ringing. I hardly slept at all last night. Different scenarios playing out in my head. He's hurt. He's cheating. He's avoiding me. Then I stopped. Took several deep breaths and told myself, "Everything is going to be okay." "He loves you." "He's probably just drunk, and knows you don't like to talk to him when he's drunk." After calming myself down, I fell asleep.

Woke up this morning to no texts and no calls. Which upset me. The least he could have done when he got home was text me saying "I'm home. Going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow." He did that when we were fighting, so why couldn't he do that now? I called him and his phone rang. I called again, rang again. Called one last time and it went straight to voice mail. Instead of picking up the phone and just confirming he's okay or he's home and he will talk to me later, he just turned his fucking phone off! So I called back and left him a message saying, "Look, I was pretty pissed last night. Every bad possible situation was going through my head and I stopped it. Took deep breaths and reassured myself. But when you turned off your phone this morning, that upset me. It would have taken 5 secs to answer the phone, tell me you are fine and that you love me and you will call me when you wake up. What if I had done that to you? You would be cussing at me, calling me names, etc. I'm putting effort into changing and putting effort into this relationship. Why don't you try it or find someone else to put down and boss around. I love you asshole. (long story lol)"

Felt good to say all that, but talking to him would have made me feel better. I'm just going to wait till he calls me. I'm done being the one that always initiates contact. For most of the day yesterday, I barely talked to him and he texted ME.

I hate being in a long distance relationship thats compiled of misunderstood text messages, broken promises, and avoidance. I want to be in a relationship that full of compromise, love and effort.

Bipolar?

I was talking to a long time friend the other day and he mentioned that I might be bipolar. That thought had never even crossed my mind. I was curious so I looked it up online. I match 7 out of 10 symptoms. I have rapid mood swings, I constantly think about death (not killing myself, just death in general.), I suffer from depression and I'm kinda paranoid. Just to name a few. But are all these so called "symptoms" really that rare?

So I asked my boyfriend what he thought. All he said was, "You could be." So I will take that as a yes, he does think I'm bipolar. We've talked about my mood swings before and my paranoia. I always think something bad is happening or is about to happen. Not vague scenarios either. Very descriptive and precise.

For example, my boyfriend and I haven't been talking on the phone much lately cause we find ourselves running out of things to talk about. Well one reason is, I stay at home all the time. Nothing happens to me for me to talk about. Same goes for him I guess, nothing eventful. But instead of realizing we both don't get out much, I think the worst. "He's met someone else, and isn't telling me." "He's losing interest in me or he's had enough of my issues." "He doesn't love me anymore cause of what I've put him through." "We are growing apart, he's going to break up with me." Thinking about all these things gets my heart racing and I feel like my whole world has turned upside down, literally. I get dizzy, very emotional and I get knots in my stomach. I think I'm just scared of putting total confidence in one person. That last time I did that, my heart got shattered to pieces. Even though it was years ago and by a complete asshole, I still can't help feeling like Mike is going to do it to me too. Maybe cause my self-esteem is so low, especially lately. Or because of what I've done in the past I still feel like I don't deserve him. Still trying to figure that out.

I just need to learn to calm down, think rationally, and put faith in him. He's never given me a reason to doubt him. I need to stop being over-dramatic. I need to be patient. I need to listen.

I think writing this blog is really helping me. I get to see how drastically my moods and change and why. I'm being good and it feels great :)

Katie Sharp 08-21-1944 ~ 06-10-2010

My mother-in-law (more like Mama) passed away at 7:05 this morning. I didn't get to tell her what I wanted, but she knew I was there. She was an amazing woman.

She was strong. If something was bothering her or she was worried, she never let it show. She always put on a smile and would hug your neck.

She was funny. Every Monday and Tuesday morning at her store she greeted her customers with smiles, best regards and jokes. She knew so many of them, you never heard the same one twice.

She was loving. She opened up her heart to me before I even joined the family. Making me feel right at home. I got to experience what family was really all about. Coming from a broken home, that meant the world to me. She would print out pictures of Greg and I and brag about how pretty she thought I was to her customers. :)

She was considerate. I remember when Greg and I lived in Japan. Her, George and Angie would put together care packages for us. Always remembering to put something in there for me, even if it was something small,  so I wouldn't feel left out or unloved. So I would know I was in her thoughts. That meant a lot to me.

She was honest. If she didn't like you, boy watch out. :) But she liked everybody and everybody loved her. She would always give you her time and advice. Whether you wanted it or not. :)

She was a wonderful Mother, friend and Grandmother. Always putting her children and grandchildren first. I am so joyful that I could share my beautiful son Sebastian with her. She adored and cherished that boy. Always showing off pictures of him at her store, Sam's and basically at every opportunity she had.

If I could go back and tell her I how I felt. I would hold her hand and say...

Thank you- For welcoming me into the family with such love and pride. For always being there. For always having a smile on your face when I saw you and hugging me like I was your very own. For being such an amazing friend and mother. I can't thank you enough for everything you've given me. I will never forget you and when I think about you, I will shed a tear, but I will smile too. Thinking about how funny you were, and the fun times I had going to St. Augustine with you and the family. Among many others.

I would also tell her.

I'm sorry- For not keeping my promise. For leaving the way I did. For not being a better daughter in law and for not keeping in contact with you. It was just too hard. I knew you were disappointed in me but still loved none the less.

And lastly, I would have told you I loved you. In my eyes, you were my real mother. Loving me no matter what and forgiving me for my mistakes.

 I love you Mama.

Dependent

Another one of my "flaws." I become so dependent on the people I'm with. I don't do good alone. Like right now.

Mike and I finally talked earlier. He got back from camping last night. Hungover and tired, he didn't say much. He told me that he wants to make it work. But to me, he isn't acting like it. This is killing me. He's not answering my calls. Probably cause he left his phone at home. Why is he doing this? Ive been punished enough. How am I supposed to prove myself if we don't talk? I can't even enjoy my time with my son. I'm depressed most of the time. Every time the phone rings, my heart jumps. Ends up being stupid telemarketers. Why do I do this to myself?! I don't blame him for being upset. But he's completely changed. Is this a test? Or does he really not want to be with me?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being with my son. But I miss Mike SO much. I wish I could be with them both.

Then, on top of everything else. My ex's mom is getting worse. During the day, I'm stuck in the house. I kinda get angry. Then he comes by and updates me on how his mom is doing. Which is never good news. I feel so selfish. I'm so consumed with what's going on in MY life. I sometimes forget the reason why I'm here. That's another thing I have to work on, being selfish. The world doesn't revolve around me.

Last Chance Sarah

Mike decided to give me one last chance to prove how I've changed and am continuing to change. The knots in my stomach are calming down. But not totally gone. Maybe its just his massive hangover and lack of sleep but he seems SO different. Or it could be me. What Ive done to him. If only I could take all the pain Ive caused away. The only thing I can do is prove myself. Prove how much I love him and want to make this work.

If only he knew what he does to me. He gives me butterflies. I still daydream about him like we're in middle school. The sex NEVER gets "routine". I can see myself marrying him one day, even though I promised myself I would NEVER get married again. I see us being completely happy and having a baby. I know we could have a beautiful life together.

Feels good being good :) Feels good to totally devote myself to someone and truly mean it. Not just do it cause its the right thing to do.

My Whole World

Sebastian and I watching South Park

Sarah★Christine | MySpace Video

Missing him...

So here I am. Stuck in my soon-to-be ex husband's house in Georgia. But I don't mind so much. He's going through a lot right now and I get to spend all my time with my son. 

My ex, (Greg) called me a little over a week ago and explained to me that his mom (whose health has been rapidly declining since I left 4 months ago) is getting much worse and  he needs my help with my son so he can spend more quality time with his mom. He tried daycare and other family members but there is just so much going on. So, missing my son like CRAZY and understanding I was his last resort. I came as soon as I could.

It was incredibly hard to leave Mike. You have no idea. Especially since he thought my ex and I were getting back together. Which was TOTALLY off. We have both realized that we are better off friends. But I understand why Mike would feel that way. It is kind of an awkward situation.

Anyway, so being stuck here with no car and cleaning the house. I have nothing but time to think about EVERYTHING. If only Mike felt what I felt. Knew what I knew. Maybe then he would realize how much I truly care about him and love him. He's the one that showed me how great of a person I can be. The one who opened up my eyes to so many new and wonderful things. We made lists of restaurants he wanted to take me to, places we wanted to visit, and movies to watch together. I miss him terribly. He's my best friend. Well, besides my younger sister Katie :)

Maybe one day he will know how much he means to me. Maybe he's thinking about me right now, while he's camping. Who am I kidding? He's probably having a blast drinking and hanging out with his friends. Probably hasn't thought of me once. Oh well. I love thinking about him and the times we had. Puts a smile on my face.

Letting Go

Mike told me I need to learn to let people go. So that's what I'm doing. Letting the one person I know I truly love go. I didn't deserve him anyway. After all the bad things Ive done in my life, why did I think that happiness would last? I'm just glad I had 3 months of utter bliss with a wonderful man. At least I have my adorable son to keep me motivated.

Mike

Mike is my boyfriend of a little over 3 months. We started talking online about 4 months ago. He WAS really good friends with my older sister Jenn. We went to the same high school back in the day and I had a HUGE crush on him. He's been helping me with my "issues". So far he has been VERY understanding. He's know more about me than my best friends of 10+ years. Most of the time, I come to him with what Ive been feeling and helps me figure out why I feel that way, usually without getting mad.

A few weeks ago I came to him and told him that for the past 4 years I have been calling one of my ex's every so often just to "catch up." Not really getting anything out of it and I don't why I did it. Mind you this ex and I were together for almost 3 years and it was nothing but hell. Cheating on each other left and right. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Anyway, Mike just listened to me talk about the situation and suggested that maybe I was calling my ex to tell him how great I was doing and how happy I was without him. That found someone better. Mike also said he was a big part of my life and thats probably another reason why I called him.

A few days go by and I get the bright idea to call my ex one last time to tell him my recent realization. This is what I said. (not word for word but a summarization) "Hey, its me. I was talking to Mike the other day about why I call every few months just to talk. He helped me realize that this whole time I was trying to show that I don't need you and in fact I'm doing fucking awesome without you in my life. But I have to admit I will always love you and care about you. I hope you and Alaina (his girlfriend) have a wonderful life together with your daughter and I wish you the best."

Well, my ex just happens to live right across the street from our friends Jessie and Hunter. Frank (my ex) knows them and hangs out with them once in awhile for a beer or two. Anyway, Frank, Jessie and Hunter get on the subject of me somehow (the rest is a mix of what Ive been TOLD happened and some of what I GUESS happened) and Frank got the fucking idea to let them hear a PIECE of the message I left him. Cause if they had heard the whole thing they wouldn't be so disappointed in me. Maybe a little for calling him in the first place but not as much as right now. So they tell Mike what they heard. He FLIPS! All he does is send me a text saying "well we need to have a long talk later". So of course my stomach locks up and I wonder what it's about. Did he meet someone? Did he do more than just meet someone? Did he realize he didn't miss me? All these questions are going through my head

I FINALLY get him on the phone after text arguing (his idea) and tell my side. All he's doing is putting me down and pointing out the obvious. I'm crying and begging him to REALLY listen to me. That I'm sorry. I had good intentions and that I love him with all my heart. We both promised each other we would do anything to make this relationship work when I moved. (That's a story for another post) So, in the past few days I've only talked him a handful of times and gotten a few texts. My chest literally hurts, my stomach is in knots, I'm trying to enjoy spending time with my son (He's almost 2) that I haven't seen in 4 months, and I cant sleep and I have no appetite. It's like he's punishing me... If he only knew the pain he's inflicting....

Anyway, thats the big thing thats going on right now...I'm sure something else will come up cause I'm never good enough for anyone. I try to do something to help my self-esteem and give me closure and all I get is people mad at me and ignoring me. Sometimes I just want to say "FUCK IT!" But then I think about all the times Mike would hold me and play with my hair. The look of pride when we went somewhere together. He wasn't afraid to show me affection in public and I loved every minute of it. The way he made me feel when our eyes met. Its like the love you see in movies. I'm not losing that...

Lying

Another one of my demons...lying. For example. My husband came up to me and had proof that I was sending pics of myself to other guys and I tried to lie my way out of it! How stupid am I? Well, that was months ago and I am much more honest now. But still, I was like that for years.

I wouldn't just lie to my partner. I would lie to friends, family and co-workers. Whether it was lying to save my ass or just making up shit to make conversation.

I'm only 23 years old and have regrets up the ass. Life is short and I'm tired of feeling wasteful of this life I was given. Everyday is a struggle and I think writing about it helps. Everyday I will have to work on myself. I'm up for it :)

Today is a new day...

Is it cause I feel unworthy of anything good in my life? Do I blame myself for getting raped? All I know is good things or people don't stay in my life for very long. I have control over my actions and so, I know I can change. The problem is, I don't have much control over my thoughts and feelings. Trying to get them under control is going to be hard. But with some help from someone who truly loves me, I know I can do it.

The Beginning. I have a long way to go...

I'm not happy or proud with the person I am or became. Don't really know if there is a difference. All I know is...I have to change. I want to be a better mother, person, friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, etc.

One of my demons...cheating. Whether it be mentally or physically. I've cheated in almost all of my relationships and have been cheated on. Sometimes I feel like shit afterwards, sometimes I don't. Either way, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I hate it when it's done to me. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep hurting the people who care about me?