Bipolar?

I was talking to a long time friend the other day and he mentioned that I might be bipolar. That thought had never even crossed my mind. I was curious so I looked it up online. I match 7 out of 10 symptoms. I have rapid mood swings, I constantly think about death (not killing myself, just death in general.), I suffer from depression and I'm kinda paranoid. Just to name a few. But are all these so called "symptoms" really that rare?

So I asked my boyfriend what he thought. All he said was, "You could be." So I will take that as a yes, he does think I'm bipolar. We've talked about my mood swings before and my paranoia. I always think something bad is happening or is about to happen. Not vague scenarios either. Very descriptive and precise.

For example, my boyfriend and I haven't been talking on the phone much lately cause we find ourselves running out of things to talk about. Well one reason is, I stay at home all the time. Nothing happens to me for me to talk about. Same goes for him I guess, nothing eventful. But instead of realizing we both don't get out much, I think the worst. "He's met someone else, and isn't telling me." "He's losing interest in me or he's had enough of my issues." "He doesn't love me anymore cause of what I've put him through." "We are growing apart, he's going to break up with me." Thinking about all these things gets my heart racing and I feel like my whole world has turned upside down, literally. I get dizzy, very emotional and I get knots in my stomach. I think I'm just scared of putting total confidence in one person. That last time I did that, my heart got shattered to pieces. Even though it was years ago and by a complete asshole, I still can't help feeling like Mike is going to do it to me too. Maybe cause my self-esteem is so low, especially lately. Or because of what I've done in the past I still feel like I don't deserve him. Still trying to figure that out.

I just need to learn to calm down, think rationally, and put faith in him. He's never given me a reason to doubt him. I need to stop being over-dramatic. I need to be patient. I need to listen.

I think writing this blog is really helping me. I get to see how drastically my moods and change and why. I'm being good and it feels great :)

Letting Go

Mike told me I need to learn to let people go. So that's what I'm doing. Letting the one person I know I truly love go. I didn't deserve him anyway. After all the bad things Ive done in my life, why did I think that happiness would last? I'm just glad I had 3 months of utter bliss with a wonderful man. At least I have my adorable son to keep me motivated.

Mike

Mike is my boyfriend of a little over 3 months. We started talking online about 4 months ago. He WAS really good friends with my older sister Jenn. We went to the same high school back in the day and I had a HUGE crush on him. He's been helping me with my "issues". So far he has been VERY understanding. He's know more about me than my best friends of 10+ years. Most of the time, I come to him with what Ive been feeling and helps me figure out why I feel that way, usually without getting mad.

A few weeks ago I came to him and told him that for the past 4 years I have been calling one of my ex's every so often just to "catch up." Not really getting anything out of it and I don't why I did it. Mind you this ex and I were together for almost 3 years and it was nothing but hell. Cheating on each other left and right. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Anyway, Mike just listened to me talk about the situation and suggested that maybe I was calling my ex to tell him how great I was doing and how happy I was without him. That found someone better. Mike also said he was a big part of my life and thats probably another reason why I called him.

A few days go by and I get the bright idea to call my ex one last time to tell him my recent realization. This is what I said. (not word for word but a summarization) "Hey, its me. I was talking to Mike the other day about why I call every few months just to talk. He helped me realize that this whole time I was trying to show that I don't need you and in fact I'm doing fucking awesome without you in my life. But I have to admit I will always love you and care about you. I hope you and Alaina (his girlfriend) have a wonderful life together with your daughter and I wish you the best."

Well, my ex just happens to live right across the street from our friends Jessie and Hunter. Frank (my ex) knows them and hangs out with them once in awhile for a beer or two. Anyway, Frank, Jessie and Hunter get on the subject of me somehow (the rest is a mix of what Ive been TOLD happened and some of what I GUESS happened) and Frank got the fucking idea to let them hear a PIECE of the message I left him. Cause if they had heard the whole thing they wouldn't be so disappointed in me. Maybe a little for calling him in the first place but not as much as right now. So they tell Mike what they heard. He FLIPS! All he does is send me a text saying "well we need to have a long talk later". So of course my stomach locks up and I wonder what it's about. Did he meet someone? Did he do more than just meet someone? Did he realize he didn't miss me? All these questions are going through my head

I FINALLY get him on the phone after text arguing (his idea) and tell my side. All he's doing is putting me down and pointing out the obvious. I'm crying and begging him to REALLY listen to me. That I'm sorry. I had good intentions and that I love him with all my heart. We both promised each other we would do anything to make this relationship work when I moved. (That's a story for another post) So, in the past few days I've only talked him a handful of times and gotten a few texts. My chest literally hurts, my stomach is in knots, I'm trying to enjoy spending time with my son (He's almost 2) that I haven't seen in 4 months, and I cant sleep and I have no appetite. It's like he's punishing me... If he only knew the pain he's inflicting....

Anyway, thats the big thing thats going on right now...I'm sure something else will come up cause I'm never good enough for anyone. I try to do something to help my self-esteem and give me closure and all I get is people mad at me and ignoring me. Sometimes I just want to say "FUCK IT!" But then I think about all the times Mike would hold me and play with my hair. The look of pride when we went somewhere together. He wasn't afraid to show me affection in public and I loved every minute of it. The way he made me feel when our eyes met. Its like the love you see in movies. I'm not losing that...

Lying

Another one of my demons...lying. For example. My husband came up to me and had proof that I was sending pics of myself to other guys and I tried to lie my way out of it! How stupid am I? Well, that was months ago and I am much more honest now. But still, I was like that for years.

I wouldn't just lie to my partner. I would lie to friends, family and co-workers. Whether it was lying to save my ass or just making up shit to make conversation.

I'm only 23 years old and have regrets up the ass. Life is short and I'm tired of feeling wasteful of this life I was given. Everyday is a struggle and I think writing about it helps. Everyday I will have to work on myself. I'm up for it :)

Today is a new day...

Is it cause I feel unworthy of anything good in my life? Do I blame myself for getting raped? All I know is good things or people don't stay in my life for very long. I have control over my actions and so, I know I can change. The problem is, I don't have much control over my thoughts and feelings. Trying to get them under control is going to be hard. But with some help from someone who truly loves me, I know I can do it.

The Beginning. I have a long way to go...

I'm not happy or proud with the person I am or became. Don't really know if there is a difference. All I know is...I have to change. I want to be a better mother, person, friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, etc.

One of my demons...cheating. Whether it be mentally or physically. I've cheated in almost all of my relationships and have been cheated on. Sometimes I feel like shit afterwards, sometimes I don't. Either way, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I hate it when it's done to me. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep hurting the people who care about me?