Bipolar?

I was talking to a long time friend the other day and he mentioned that I might be bipolar. That thought had never even crossed my mind. I was curious so I looked it up online. I match 7 out of 10 symptoms. I have rapid mood swings, I constantly think about death (not killing myself, just death in general.), I suffer from depression and I'm kinda paranoid. Just to name a few. But are all these so called "symptoms" really that rare?

So I asked my boyfriend what he thought. All he said was, "You could be." So I will take that as a yes, he does think I'm bipolar. We've talked about my mood swings before and my paranoia. I always think something bad is happening or is about to happen. Not vague scenarios either. Very descriptive and precise.

For example, my boyfriend and I haven't been talking on the phone much lately cause we find ourselves running out of things to talk about. Well one reason is, I stay at home all the time. Nothing happens to me for me to talk about. Same goes for him I guess, nothing eventful. But instead of realizing we both don't get out much, I think the worst. "He's met someone else, and isn't telling me." "He's losing interest in me or he's had enough of my issues." "He doesn't love me anymore cause of what I've put him through." "We are growing apart, he's going to break up with me." Thinking about all these things gets my heart racing and I feel like my whole world has turned upside down, literally. I get dizzy, very emotional and I get knots in my stomach. I think I'm just scared of putting total confidence in one person. That last time I did that, my heart got shattered to pieces. Even though it was years ago and by a complete asshole, I still can't help feeling like Mike is going to do it to me too. Maybe cause my self-esteem is so low, especially lately. Or because of what I've done in the past I still feel like I don't deserve him. Still trying to figure that out.

I just need to learn to calm down, think rationally, and put faith in him. He's never given me a reason to doubt him. I need to stop being over-dramatic. I need to be patient. I need to listen.

I think writing this blog is really helping me. I get to see how drastically my moods and change and why. I'm being good and it feels great :)