Update

Mike and I aren't talking...again, and I want to keep it that way. I'm in so much of a better mood and more confident. Brad and I talk A LOT :) I miss him so much. If I had the money I would fly him out here. I get to see my little baby boy tomorrow morning! I'm so excited! I'm trying SO hard to save up money to get him up here but its HARD! Greg and I are getting along again, which is good. Work is going alright. Cant wait till I start my new job. Had an appt. with a talent agent last night. It went good. We talked, laughed, took some pics. I'm really excited to see if anything comes of it. I'm so bored and I need a hobby or something lol The mother and I are doing our hair this weekend and taking pics :)

Ever try typing and not stopping to see what comes out?

I am lonely. This is something I know for sure. Even when I'm WITH someone I'm lonely. I'm not sure of myself and I know others aren't sure of me either. Its a curse. One that I can't shake and understand. I'm very indecisive and I don't know why. I will go back and forth on an issue for hours, sometimes even days. People who truly know me, know this about me and deal with it even though I'm sure its very annoying. My sisters aren't speaking to me right because of it, or so I'm guessing. If only they would tell me what I'm doing wrong and I could work on it cause I miss them. I miss talking to them about everything and remembering the good times. We make each other laugh all the time and finish each other's sentences. Whatever is going on I'm sure its something small cause it always is.

Mike and I are talking again, off and on. He has the ability to make me SO fucking mad sometimes I see RED. He can be so ignorant and dumb sometimes and pisses me off. I don't have any patience with him. I automatically jump to infuriated. He doesn't trust me, always tells me what to do, talks down to me, treats me like a child and always assumes the worst. I know I have issues but he gives me NO credit for the progress I HAVE made and I think thats what pisses me off the most. I try and talk to him and I can never tell if hes actually listening or just acting like it. He doesn't say much but then I ask are you listening and he always says yes. Then I ask him what I just said and he cant or just picks key words from what I just said. Then when he actually DOES give me credit, he claims its because of HIM! So I can do nothing right but when I do, its cause of him. RIIIIIIGHT! What the fuck ever!

On my way...

Been single for awhile now and I like it :) No one to check in with, no one to take care of, no one to stress about, no one to hurt me, no one to lie to me, and no one to put me down. (Mike and I don't talk anymore.)

 This is the longest I've been single since I was 13.

Still looking for a job.......

So proud of my little sis Katie. She got her GED and scored in the top 10%!

I need to start writing on here more often. It helped...

So much has changed...

Found out Mike lied to me. I gave him PLENTY of chances to come clean. But I had to find out while my son and I were at his house. I went through his phone and found he was texting some girl and they were hardcore flirting and she sent him some pics too. So I broke up with him. He told me that happened when we were broken up, but I dont believe him. We email back and forth. But that is going to stop. I have asked him MANY times to leave me alone. So I'm going to try the old "ignore him and he will leave you alone" trick. Hopefully it will work. I sent him this email: "To be honest I don't care if you like the new me or not. I gave you so many chances to come clean and you lied. You made me this cold and distant. I'm doing great without you. I don't have someone making me feel like the lowest thing on the planet anymore. I feel better about myself, I'm enjoying my life and I'm determind. Now please leave me alone."


And he sent this back : "I just wrote a long email that i wish i could have sent. In short it said whatever sarah you suck you wont amount to shit, you dont know shit, and you never will be shit. All you know how to do is bow to men and sleep with them. Fuck off and hope this is the email you were looking for.... Now go call jay and free load off him. You did it to me. I did all i could. And you left. You couldnt even stay faithfull and we both know it. You never will. Piece out trick. I woulk like to say it was nice but icant. I can honestly say i regret our relationship. I dont regreat any others so thats pretty bad. Go eat a cow get fatter and have a bunch of kids from a bunch of randoms. PISS OFF HOOKER"


I wrote him back basically saying that he doesn't have any power over me anymore and he can say whatever he wants. He can't break me.

How it used to be...

I was going through messages from Mike when we first started talking and I stumbled upon these. They made me cry, cause I realize what I lost.


Untitled

I yearn to kiss those tender lips,
and look deep into those beautiful eyes.

I cant wait for the day if you decide,
that you will truely be mine.

The dreams are strong, the feelings are true.
The poems I write are directed only to you.

Through thick and thin, till Jenn do us part.
You are the one, with a key to my heart.

I know you will be endlessly drawn to me,
more than you already are.

At least that is what I hope for, my luff,
my sweet, my sparkling star ;)

With more determination than a raging bull,
with the power to change the world.

Just know that when I have you here,
I will fight all odds to make your world.

He sent that on Jan. 21 2010

"Be Pleased"

I aim to please, and pleased you will be.
Your pleasure will be mine!


The car will stop
Our eyes will lock

And as we embrace
The present time will stop


Your eyes that sparkle
Smile that shines
Your warm embrace
Etched in my mind


High hopes from the very first chat
Confirmed at last!!!
Expectations and anticipations
Were worth all of that


You took my breath away
You are like no other

With late night conversations

I can think of no better

The car will go
Our eyes will lock
With smiles all around

Im so happy your back


No one can say how it will end
Only how it started.
I can only HOPE

I'm everything you have imagined.

He sent that one on Jan. 19 2010

He makes my heart hurt.

Didn't hear much from him yesterday. Why doesn't he make a REAL effort to talk to me and make this work? I know he felt it too, the love. I would die for him.

Didn't hear from him until 5:30 AM! He was drunk and was SET on starting a fight. I stayed up till a little past 4 waiting for him to call me. I finally fell asleep and he calls. Said he lost his phone at the bar and rode his scooter home. We always fight when hes drunk. Its a given. His asshole-ness really shows. The sad thing, he admits it too. And who is he going to hurt the most when hes drunk? Me, of course. He wouldn't listen! I just wanted to go back to sleep and talk to him today but he wouldn't stop calling. He told me if I hung up on him one more time it was over. I turned my cell off and unplugged the house phone so he wouldn't up Sebastian. It took me another hour or so to go back to sleep after that.

I wake this morning to a hurtful voice mail message. Basically, calling me trash. Still haven't heard from him today. I left a message on his phone. Saying we need to talk. No fighting or arguing, just talking. He probably doesn't even know its on there but still, he hasn't called.

 At least I tried. He didn't...

I knew it!

My boyfriend (well his mom signed for them) got served divorce papers about 30 min. ago. He thought he was already divorced. I told him if he was he would have been sent papers saying so. He's been married to his ex for the past 2 1/2 years. lol Its kinda funny...

My divorce papers will be filed soon.